I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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