i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
