yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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