the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
