Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
