Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
