Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
