Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently you make a good broom.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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