Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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