If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
