im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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