dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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