I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
