??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i love accidental penises.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
