Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
