btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
