I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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