ADVERTISEMENT

• (773): View more from Illinois

  Tell him ill love him long time

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I'll assure him of it

  Fav 3 1957 923

  share tweet
  

• (310): View more from California

  she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

  Fav 55 1142 11857

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (914): View more from New York

  I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

  Fav 18 1490 7831

  share tweet
  

• (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

  Fav 13 6942 1913

  share tweet
  

• (505): View more from New Mexico

  the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

  Fav 21 7678 1273

  share tweet
  

• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?

  Fav 5 1417 691

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (785): View more from Kansas

  What drink are we having for lunch?

  Fav 5 1435 1068

  share tweet
  

• (949): View more from California

  Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.

  Fav 8 898 683

  share tweet
  

• (310): View more from California

  I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.

  Fav 18 2193 801

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

  Fav 4 1460 775

  share tweet
  

• (903): View more from Texas

  Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back

  Fav 3 802 570

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (785): View more from Kansas

  Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season

  Fav 11 878 523

  share tweet
  

• (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.

  Fav 4 408 762

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"

  Fav 3 58 72

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix

  Fav 2 86 8

  share tweet
  

Randomize