I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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