I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
