I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
