my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
