oh god the rape fog is back!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have feelings that need drinking.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
