My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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