I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
