just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
