I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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