I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
