Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
