you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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