I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
