dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
pray to the hookup gods
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
