Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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