Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
