Your face is a jimmy john
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
