Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
