Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
