My friends, they love my intelligence
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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