is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They took my balls.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
