Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
