She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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