I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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