I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
