I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
