i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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