captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
