Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
