I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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