I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
