My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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