2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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