You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
