my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
