she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
