I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
