If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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